so it seems everyone is getting back into this xanga thing again. its been a minute since i posted on here. i just wanted to take some time to say hey to all my friends who still post here and read these. i know we havent kept in contact as much as we used to, but i hope you’re doing well. i’m out for the night. got a big day tomorrow and i need to be prepared. P91 and OG Kush. word.

heres a funny story. i spent all the last week making a costume for a halloween party that my buddy from work was having, and i only stayed for three hours. how ridiculous is that?? it wasnt as good as i hoped it would be and so i left after getting a pretty good buzz. i prolly killed 5-6 beers in my short time there.all the girls dressed up as sluts, and all the guys wanted to be macho. people were “dancing” in one of the rooms and some others were playing beer-pong in another. i say they were”dancing” because i’m not sure thats what you would actually call it. it was more like sex with clothes on and not as good. and just as i’m about to leave, some guy comes out to where i was and tries to start some shit with one of my friends. all of a sudden there’s anger and yelling and some fists almost thrown. i was right in the middle of it too, and i was ready to throw down for my boys. usually i wouldnt be the one to get in a fight; i like to use my words to resolve things instead of my fists. but tonite i was feeling a little bit inebriated, so all that sorta went out the door and in came me sticking up for my homie. luckily we got that fool to calm down before anything crazy happened. he had had a little too much to drink and didnt know what he was saying to my boy. one of my boys was ready to lay him out too, so we had to calm his ass down as well. all in all i’d say it was a very interesting three hours. in fact, i’m writing all this down now cause i’m afraid i’ll forget in the morning. that sometimes happens after a party nite. its about 50-50 chance that i wont remember what happened. i kinda wish i had somebody to bring to this thing. i might’ve had more fun then. oh well. next time. f-will. lol.

as it turns out, i know nothing about women. yes folks, thats right. i know nothing. i just wanted something to work out for me, and some things have. but this is one that i never seem to get right. i’m used to rejection now. it used to bother me a lot more, but the pain lessens with each one. at least thats what i tell myself. the truth is that it stacks, one on top of the other, like a sandwich. filled with tacks and shards of fiberglass. this is a very painful sandwich. but instead of throwing it away, i eat it, continually adding more layers until i can no longer fit it into my mouth. what do i do then, you may ask? i put some away for later. what kind of person does that? i must be a glutton for punishment. i think it all boils down to this: i cant find the off switch. i want companionship, but i carry around this deep pain. i am physically and emotionally alone. spiritually i have God. but He can only provide so much. i need something on a more personal level, a more romantic level, i guess is the only way i can put it. i want someone to love, and to love me the way i love them. it may seem ridiculous, but when you get down to the core, its what everybody wants. someone to talk to, someone to hold, someone to share a laugh with, or even a good cry. i’ve been looking for someone, and at times i thought i had found it. but it wasnt meant to be. maybe i’m meant to walk this earth alone, forever searching for that someone. that would truly make me sad. to be alone til the end of my days, to have not felt love so deeply for another that it becomes the reason for my going on. that is my worst fear. and it seems that that is my reality.  that is my fate.

i just got back from the high school retreat up at the salvation army camp near ramona. it was a real refresher for me, having not been on one in 2 years. i forgot how intesne these short ones are, and how close you feel to everyone at the end. i feel especially close with one person in particular, and i think they feel the same. we’ll see how things go. hopefully i wont make a mess of everything by doing something retarded. but knowing me as i do, it is just my luck to find someone only to lose them right when i need them the most. but such is life. i’ll just have to fight for those who are most important to me. especially this one. she’s different than all the others. i’ll fight to keep her. hopefully it wont come to that though. i’m a lover, not a fighter. hahaha

i went and saw the movie hitch the other night. it was a good movie and definitely had some funny moments, but it also had some things that hit me hard. it made me stop and take a hard look at my love life, or lack thereof. out of all the characters, i relate most with alex hitchenson. not in the way that i’m a date doctor, but that i am very guarded about myself and my life that may push people away. i had someone who meant the world to me. then i found out she was with another guy, and it broke my heart. mostly because i have never been a “hot” boy or desireable in the sense that if you could have me, you’d have it all, and she wanted to be with me, kinda, which was something new to me. and it still is pretty new to me. i dont get a lot of females asking me to go out sometime or what i’m doing later, like they dont want to be “with” me. after five years of being single, there are times when i feel single and alone. sure i have my family and my friends, but there isnt someone waiting for me to call or visit. the loneliness sometimes gets to me, and i want to sit in a dark corner some place and just be how i feel, empty and alone. so basically this is a cry to all the women who know me….call me sometime and ask to hang out. you have a very, very good chance that i will have nothing to do and will go out with you. thats another thing that bothers me. why do we, as men, always have to call the girl? it puts a lot of stress on the us. will she pick up? will she say yes? should we leave a message? should we call back later? all of these thoughts and more are running through our heads as we’re dialing. so i say….share the load please.

today i got to talk to a friend of mine who i havent seen in a long time. we talked about what classes we were taking and where we wanted to transfer to after we finished our g.e. at palomar. he wants to direct movies and also film movies. he’s made some already in high school, and he’s taking a film making class right now. he asked me what i was doing, and it took me awhile to find an answer for him. so i basically told him i want to be a hardware engineer, specifically dealing with the video game industry. i want to create the next video game console that is unlike any other before it. something so revolutinoary that people will look at it and say “huh?” the basic idea for my console is a type of virtual reality that has never been tried before. i wont go into all the details cause that would take too lon. just suffice it to say that it would require no physical movement from the user during gameplay; everything would be controlled by the brain. for example, i know most of you are familar with halo and halo 2. when playing, you can pick up different weapons by pressing a button. with my system you wouldnt need to press anything. you could just pick up the weapon just by thinking about it. something like this would change the industry forever.but right now, its just a vision. hopefully, i can turn that into a reality as technology advances over the next decade or so. right, its sleep time. catch y’all laters.

interesting, isnt it? time goes by so fast that its hard to keep up with it sometimes.and i dont mean when your waiting for class to be over or to get off work. i’m talking about days and months and years. no matter how much you try to stay on top of time, it always gets away from you before you even realize it. i’ll give you an example. the last entry that i put on here was from the beginning of october and i was having problems with this girl i was trying to see. now, not only is it a new year, but i’m not seeing her anymore cause i didnt want to be the only one trying in that relationship, but i’ve moved on to bigger and better things in my life, such as school, family, and friends. anyways, that was me just being philosophical, so enough of that. let me fill you in on the current events in my life.

most recently, i’ve been able to hang out with my good friend, mike cando. its unusual for to hang out all th time cause he’s got frat meetings, school, and work. but we’ve made time to hang out more now that everyone else is gone back to school. last night, we went downtown to see mike rosetti and dave silvermann. they had this band that played on the street that was supposedly pretty good. when we got there, no one was listening to them play except for us. but when the club across the street closed down for the night, all the hot, drunk girls came over and started dancing. this brought the attention of several guys who were just out to get some that night. pretty soon we had a crowd gathered, and people were throwing money in to the guitar case that josh, tim, and joey had put out for donations. josh and tim played the guitars and joey played a cahon, which is a hollowed out box with guitar strings inside it, by the way. anyways, after the cops rode by a couple times to see what all the excitement was about, we shut everything down. from there we went to a dirty coffee shop and hung out while eating soup and chili. these guys were really cool guys, and i think that mike mike and i are going to go back down next weekend to hear them play some more. if anyone’s interested in coming down, gimme a call about it. alright, thats it for now and prolly awhile, seeing how time goes by so fast. God bless you and good night.

this weekend was forgettable. i say this not because it wasnt fun or anything like that, but because i dont remember most of it. i got in friday morning, at about 830. from there i went to my uncle’s house to visit him and my cousins. we were supposed to go back to the hotel later that afternoon, but my brother and i decided that we wanted to hang out for awhile before going. so hang out we did. instead of going to the hotel, we went to a bar to watch the red sox game. being in boston, we had to root for the sox, although i would’ve anyway. as you could expect, the drinks were flowing like sweet honey. i had a couple before the sox finally won, at which point we back to my cousin brian’s apartment to have pizza and, thats right, more drinks. we stayed there that night after watching Jackass: the movie.

next day, went to the hotel, got all my stuff into my room, took a shower, then waited for a plan to be made. a plan was made shortly afterwards, and we headed down to the hotel bar for lunch and drinks. this was at about 230 or 300. we stayed there until 700, where we went to dinner at a room we reserved from the hotel. with a cooler full alcoholic beverages, we ate and drank. from there we proceeded back to the bar for some games of pool and more drinks. i tried not to have too much, but some did slip past my lips. all i really remember from the rest of the night is my cousin chris having 16 beers from 300 to 1130.

alright, so here we are. the day of the wedding. the secind best part about this wedding, besides my cousin getting married, was the open bar. all the drinks were already paid for. all they needed to be was drunk. which is what we were soon going to be. my brother and chris ordered about ten vodka/ gin & tonics each in the 3 hours we were there. i had one, but decided it was a little much for me and went for rum & coke. i didnt have any beers cause all they had were crap beers like miller lite, or coors lite; piss beers. i had only three or four while we were there. as the wedding started to slow down, we got on the shuttle that took us there and heaed back to the hotel. after getting rid of our ties and coats, we went right back to our usual spot. thats right…the hotel bar. we then proceeded to continue the party with games our pool for drinks; losers buy the winners a drink. i was about 50/50 on my winnings and losings. it seemed the more i drank though, the better i got with my pool game. after about 7 or 8 beers, i was a little buzzed. this was all in a span of 3 hours, mind you, so its not as bad as it sounds. i went to bed when  the bar closed, and i fell right alseep.

monday was a very calm day. no drinking on monday. lots of sleeping though. watched the special on Christopher Reeves, God bless his soul. its so sad that he passed away right when they were making breakthroughs on spinal damage research and stem cell research to help people who are paralyzed. i can only hope his death will get people to support his cause and pass the bill that was put into the Senate not to long ago.

alright, that was my weekend. hope yours was just as fun as mine. as a friend of mine said once, “the times i cant remember, with the friends i’ll never forget.” peace out. God bless.

this week has been a lot of fun. i got to hang out with my two best friends, chad and jessica. i see chad mostly on the weekends, and i see jess during the week. between the two of them, i am almost out of time to just sit around with myself and sulk. haha. no really, they’re making this year the best its ever been, so far. it doesnt even feel like i’m in school, kinda like its still summer and there are no responsiblities to worry about. i feel like this really is the college life, despite the fact that still live at home. that whole college experience isnt gonna pass me by, no matter what.

anywho, very disappointed that no one comes to visit me at work. everybody says they will, but then they never show up. it kinda gets me thinking. maybe people dont like ice cream on hot days, or maybe cramel mtn. is just too far a drive from their houses. but whatever the reason, it gets very lonely at work all day. i sometimes talk to myself just to pretend that i am having a conversation with someone. its not a bad job. the hours are very good; only three days a week, no weekends, no nights. i have it pretty good. i just crave physical contact with people, and i dont mean customers. i mean someone who i know and can hold at least a 5 minute dialogue with. and people wonder why sometimes i’m not the life of the party…its because i dont know how to act around people all the time. i have spent so much time by myself that i’ve become a suburban hermit.

i’m also in love. laters.

these past couple weeks have gone by slowly it seems. everyday i have either school or work. i’m not complaining really…it’s more like i want some kind of excitement in my life, ya know? i mean, school’s great and working at Cold Stone definitely has its benefits, like free ice cream, but i wish i could be out doing something. its tough now, too, to see everybody go back to school and have no time to hang out anymore, especially since i grew so much closer to all of my friends this past summer.  we used to do so many cool things everyday cause we all had the time. now that we’re seperated, i realize how much everyone of my friends mean to me. we’re more than friends, we’re family. i dont know what i’d do without my family. aight. laters.